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The Sweet Spot

Updated: Jun 2, 2022

What do you mean I have Borderline Personality Disorder?


WTF does that mean?


To be quite honest, the first time I heard of BPD was when I was diagnosed with it. That was around 6 months ago. All I heard was “personality disorder” and I immediately imagined myself locked in an asylum, wearing a straightjacket, standing in a corner somewhere trying to chew off my own face. I didn’t rush to Google anything or seek out answers. I literally just sat with my thoughts and embraced the possibilities of what BPD might mean and what my future may or may not look like.


To sum it up and as quoted on the Mayo Clinic Website (www.mayoclinic.org):


“Borderline personality disorder is a mental health disorder that impacts the way you think and feel about yourself and others, causing problems functioning in everyday life. It includes self-image issues, difficulty managing emotions and behavior, and a pattern of unstable relationships.”


It sounds pretty straight forward, right? Unfortunately, it’s so much more complex. If I was to describe what it means, I’d basically define it in the following words:


“Borderline Personality Disorder is an outside of the box experience. To make it simple to understand, when you compare what the average “well” person feels emotionally, you’re going to feel the intensity of your emotions 10 times more, often to the point of losing all control. Negative mood shifts happen instantaneously and within seconds you may see red, going from 0 to 100 and straight into tunnel vision. Although everyone is different, this is a totally normal behaviour for someone who suffers. In fact, life’s little disappointments can often lead to fits of rage and/or uncontrollable outbursts. Coming down from these so-called episodes may take hours and in some cases days. As a result, feelings of shame and guilt often follow. When the depression sets in (and it will because misery loves company) the cycle begins and it’s a vicious one. The cycle can last as long as it wants because there is a disconnect in the brain that makes it very hard to just get up and move past the issue. Very few relationships can withstand the challenges this mental disorder presents itself with. There are good days, but they never last very long because life is grey and it’s the shady areas that tend to be the most problematic for people suffering with BPD.”


In other words, my brain cannot process situations the way a “normal” brain can. There is a disconnect or a malfunction upstairs and I do not have the capacity or patience to grin and bare it anymore. I still say what I need to, but often my words are accompanied by highly intense emotions, excessive tears, anger, and sometimes rage. I personally go full gear right into tunnel vision and don’t realize what I’ve said until maybe days after the fact.


I was inspired to write this today because a friend of mine said something to me the other day and I haven’t stopped thinking about it. It has been months since we spoke or even saw each other. No specific reason, just pandemic life and the shift of it all. We talked a lot and I told her about my diagnosis. I told her about my outbursts and intense moments of self-harm, depression, anxiety and the lack of control I have when I fly off the handle. She’s so beautiful, you know what she said? She looked at me and said, “you’ve had enough and you just can’t take anymore…your brain has had enough!” In all honesty, I don’t know if those were her exact words but they were definitely along those lines. Until this very moment, the thought of what she said has replayed in my mind over and over. Was she right? Has it come to the point where I just can’t take anymore, has my brain had enough?


The truth is, the heaviness I carry started way before I found myself here. Before my kids and way before I married my husband. From the very early stages of my life, throughout my teens and well into adulthood, I have suffered with an unwell state of being. Eating disorders, depression, anxiety, and now most recently added to the list, BPD. I do believe that somewhere along my life’s journey, I completely broke. Broke in heart, body, mind and spirit. Every disappointment and traumatizing experience have brought me closer to the loss of love, trust, security, privacy, family, and most importantly the much-needed self-love, respect and acceptance that I have denied myself of. The way I see it, BPD is more than just a bold heading with a definition. At the root of it all, it’s the sweet spot between the mind and spirit. It’s a tormented soul screaming in pain without making a sound.


So there you have it, this is BPD - this is me. I can’t tell you how difficult this has been to write. As I reflect, I realize I have been drawn to writing and opening myself up to vulnerability as an opportunity to heal the wounds from the past, by accepting what is, and changing what can be.


Although the future for me remains unclear, my intuition, that voice inside my head and that gut feeling that I always seem to ignore, keep telling me that with a little bit of work and a whole lot of self-love, patience and trust, I’m going to be just fine. In fact, writing about my past and the journey I am on may very well save my life.



Have a Remarkable Day!

Peace-Love-Stasia



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